Understanding Conflict Management — Five Styles
On this page 6 headings
Start here Two teammates want different designs for the app. One refuses to budge. One gives up. One splits the difference. One finds a better design that uses both ideas. Which one are you?
Lt Col Jayakumar explains conflict simply: conflict is mostly a difference in opinion, which comes from a difference in expectations between people.
Resilience of a soldier’s family
A soldier on the border faces loneliness and worries about his family back home — children’s school admissions, getting an electricity connection, and more. The family handles all this alone.
During the Kargil conflict, at the Uri post, he sent his last will home four times. Once, his family sent back a greeting card signed by everyone: “All the best. Don’t worry about us. Go ahead, do your job and come back victorious.”
He asks: who was more resilient — the soldier, or his family at home?
The five conflict management styles (Thomas–Kilmann)
The slide shows the Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI). It uses two axes:
- Assertiveness (vertical) — how much you push for your own concerns.
- Cooperativeness (horizontal) — how much you care about the other person’s concerns.
| Style | Position (0–9 scale) | What it looks like |
|---|---|---|
| Avoiding | Assertive 0, Cooperative 0 | Neither pushing nor helping. You avoid the conflict. |
| Competing | Assertive 9, Cooperative 0 | Fully assertive. No bargaining, no negotiation. Not budging. |
| Accommodating | Assertive 0, Cooperative 9 | Fully cooperative. Giving in — “No problem at all.” |
| Compromising | Assertive 5, Cooperative 5 | The middle road. Give and take — each side gives up something. |
| Collaborating | Assertive 9, Cooperative 9 | The best. Studies the problem and the people, sees where things are going, and works together wholeheartedly. |
These styles are used in businesses and teams where people with similar goals must agree.
The Colonel adds: one way to reduce conflict is not to expect too much — be happy with what you get and with the outcome of your effort. That is close to compromising.
In one line: Five styles — avoid, compete, accommodate, compromise, collaborate — and collaborating (9,9) is the best. Exam words: Thomas–Kilmann (TKI), assertiveness, cooperativeness, avoiding, competing, accommodating, compromising, collaborating.
How the armed forces resolve differences
- The commander has a task. He calls his subordinate commanders.
- They do war gaming — like brainstorming in a company. Each subordinate shares their plan openly and freely.
- The commander studies all plans, possible events and resources, then issues an operation order.
- The commander takes responsibility for the chosen plan.
- Each subordinate must carry out the order as if it were their own plan — even if it is the opposite of what they suggested. “Myself becomes secondary; my team becomes primary.”
- The order must reach the last soldier on the ground.
Everyday example In a group project, everyone shares ideas in the meeting. The team picks one plan. Even if your idea wasn’t chosen, you now work on the chosen plan with full effort — not half-heartedly.
Three possible outcomes
| Outcome | What happens |
|---|---|
| Lose–lose | Both sides are adamant and keep competing. It breaks down; nobody gains. |
| Win–lose | One side wins, one loses — based on who has the stronger case. Like sports: give your best, no hard feelings. |
| Win–win | Both sides gain. The best outcome. |
Lecture example — the apartment complex Several groups in an apartment complex wanted different things. An elderly couple gave everyone a patient hearing and acted as arbitrators. Through give and take, they resolved the issues — that was compromising (5,5). But the best is collaborating (9,9), where everyone wholeheartedly supports each other. That is how winning teams work.
Ask “So what?”
When facing a problem, keep asking “So what?” to explore each option and cut off the bad ones.
Lecture example — presentation vs family deadline It is 9 a.m. You must present a new project tomorrow at 9 a.m. You are unwell. A family member also needs your help today for their own deadline.
- Option 1: Forget your health and help them all day. So what? You’re exhausted and do badly tomorrow.
- Option 2: Tell your manager your condition and ask to postpone. So what? It may be possible.
- Worst case: It can’t be postponed. So what? Take medicine, ask a colleague for help, prepare overnight, present — then rest.
By asking “so what?” again and again, you reach a workable answer.
In one line: Aim for win–win, and keep asking “so what?” to test each option. Exam words: lose–lose, win–lose, win–win, arbitrator, war gaming, operation order, “so what?”.